mama
Thursday, May 10, 2007
so maybe, you know whom this post is all about. the title has already said it well. not because it will be mother's day this coming sunday that's why this is the kind of post. and not because im just simply bored.
i just miss my mom that's why. and why? we argued. we do not talk. last night. i already went bed too early for me. i think 12. hell yeah, it's really early for me. around 2, i really can't sleep. i decided to chat if someone is online but ___ wasn't. so there. i just watched tv. my mom woke up at 3:30 Am and still i was not sleeping.
as expected and what she always do, she scolded me. but not as what as calm as you think. my mom was really that strict. so, therefore, she scolded me with her loud shouts, high-pitched voice, and the angry face that really won't make you sleep. i am not saying that what i did was not wrong. i know it was my fault so i deserve being scolded. but think, it was already 3-4 AM. the usual time wherein people really sleeps mahimbing.
we ended up and i am still not saying anything. i was just litsening to all the words she says and understanding it. and when she cried. i cried too. maybe because i was also hurt of some things she said. i understand my mom. she was my mom so i should obey her. but still i find it so difficult why it should be a hard way.
for all you know, my mom was a single parent and im proud of her. even though she was not the one to gave me milk when i cry or to carry me just to fall asleep. im still happy even she was not the one to take care of me when i was still a child. i grew up with my lola's company because my mom was working in Greenhills and there, my dad at that time in Saudi Arabia.
my mom was also not the on who taught me in my preschool year. she was still that busy all the time. she just taught me my lessons when i was in grade 1 when she found a nearer job at bacoor. i remember that time when there is an exam the next day she wouldn't allow me to take an afternoon nap. instead, i would just study all day long. and as what i also remember when i was in grade 1, she would tell me that if i memomrized the multipilcation table from 2-9 she would gave me a chocolate. so there, sice grade one. i already memorized it. i was proud of my mom. maybe that was the reason why i got my first silver medal when i was in grade two.
when i reached grade three, again she is the busy type of person. she doesn't teach me anymore. when we have time we went to mall jus to have window shopping. by the way, i am not the malambing and sweet naak as what you think. maybe because, i lack attention so sometimes a day passes by i did not tell my mom i love her. well, okay fine. judge me. it's fine with me. that's the way i am. i feel so sorry for not being that kind of girl a parent really wants. i was not the type of girl that will kiss or hug my mom everytime i will see her. so there. it was my fault.
as time passes by, my mom also made a lot of changes to me. she changed as i change. while i grew up, the gap between us seems to be bigger. but then she always telling me that she expects a lot from me. that she want me to do what she was not able to do in her life.
when i was in grade 6, two unforgettable things happened which i would not narrate. i thnik it is so confidential. so there, i understand my mom for all those tragedies. those were the time just when i look at her i would cry. and her letter for my retreat? it was a 5 pages letter. it was so long that for every time i would read it. i will cry. i would really cry.
at this moment, i am already crying. the things i am narrating has a large impact for me. my mom always told me that whenever i have problems, i would always run to her. she tells me she is my best friend that's why i should trust her. yes, i trust her a lot. but i find it uneasy to tell things to her cause she is very short tempered. once she knew, she will be pissed off. that's why whenever i have major problems. i do not come to her, maybe because i always get used to that she's busy working and im studying. im used to of eating alone at our dining table not talking to anyone about the latest happenings at school. i am used to of talking at the phone with my peers than talking directly to my mom who is just at home.
so here, im telling you. i miss my mom.ofcourse, she will not be able to read this. or i don't know if this post will make her cry. but now, im telling you. i really miss her. i am not the girl who cannot tell her i love her.
maybe the time i really made a mistake to my mom was last year, Sept 2006. hell yeah. she was called by Ms. Vidal because i was a candidate for suspension. by then, i know my mom would be angry. the time i will tell her that she has to go school, she was in her work. i made a lot of apologies but then, she scolded me the calm way. when she knew i was crying she said she felt sad. it was a huge mistake i did. i though my mom would not be able to forgive me anymore. after she went to school and had a talk with ms vidal, and yes. i was suspended. so for me, i really cried a lot. i will never forget that date. october 20. i think it was lunch time. yeah. i really cried so hard that my mom embraced me and told me that "i've learned my lesson well i should not do it again and i will be over it." that embrace was so hard that i felt my mom really loves me. from then on, she did not scold me because i got my suspension. thus, she was really a great mom.
but still. when i was in first year. if you do not know, i was semi-traumatized by my mom for a week. why? she scolded me at Sm Bacoor. with there so many people. i ended up crying and crying and that i went home alone. that was one worse thing my mom did to me. that one whole week, i am so scared to talk to other people. even my mom doesn't talk to me.
i love my mom but i can't tell her. it's not because i cannot tell her because im shy. it is not. last year, december 2006. my dad went home here in the philippines. he planned to take me and my older brohter in malta for there to study. so of course, i don't want! my mom loves me and i love her company even though she was busy. but oppoiste thought happened. my mom thought that it would be better if i will come with my dad. oh, stupid thing. we thought of different things. i was really hurt then because i love my mom but then i felt she doesn't love me because she want me to bw with my dad. for a child like me, it was a decision. because my mom said i will be a lot happier if i was with my dad. but then, my dad posponed his plan. so here i am, still with my mom.
so there. it was already 14 years when i was born. and for those fourteen years, i admit i made many mistakes. i love my mom but then i barely understand some of her negative attitudesi fint it hard to fit in. we're really that opposites.
so as what i am telling. my mom was still my mom. no matter happens she will always be my mom. how about you? have you told your mom you really love her that much? me? i will.
*crying*
i just miss my mom that's why. and why? we argued. we do not talk. last night. i already went bed too early for me. i think 12. hell yeah, it's really early for me. around 2, i really can't sleep. i decided to chat if someone is online but ___ wasn't. so there. i just watched tv. my mom woke up at 3:30 Am and still i was not sleeping.
as expected and what she always do, she scolded me. but not as what as calm as you think. my mom was really that strict. so, therefore, she scolded me with her loud shouts, high-pitched voice, and the angry face that really won't make you sleep. i am not saying that what i did was not wrong. i know it was my fault so i deserve being scolded. but think, it was already 3-4 AM. the usual time wherein people really sleeps mahimbing.
we ended up and i am still not saying anything. i was just litsening to all the words she says and understanding it. and when she cried. i cried too. maybe because i was also hurt of some things she said. i understand my mom. she was my mom so i should obey her. but still i find it so difficult why it should be a hard way.
for all you know, my mom was a single parent and im proud of her. even though she was not the one to gave me milk when i cry or to carry me just to fall asleep. im still happy even she was not the one to take care of me when i was still a child. i grew up with my lola's company because my mom was working in Greenhills and there, my dad at that time in Saudi Arabia.
my mom was also not the on who taught me in my preschool year. she was still that busy all the time. she just taught me my lessons when i was in grade 1 when she found a nearer job at bacoor. i remember that time when there is an exam the next day she wouldn't allow me to take an afternoon nap. instead, i would just study all day long. and as what i also remember when i was in grade 1, she would tell me that if i memomrized the multipilcation table from 2-9 she would gave me a chocolate. so there, sice grade one. i already memorized it. i was proud of my mom. maybe that was the reason why i got my first silver medal when i was in grade two.
when i reached grade three, again she is the busy type of person. she doesn't teach me anymore. when we have time we went to mall jus to have window shopping. by the way, i am not the malambing and sweet naak as what you think. maybe because, i lack attention so sometimes a day passes by i did not tell my mom i love her. well, okay fine. judge me. it's fine with me. that's the way i am. i feel so sorry for not being that kind of girl a parent really wants. i was not the type of girl that will kiss or hug my mom everytime i will see her. so there. it was my fault.
as time passes by, my mom also made a lot of changes to me. she changed as i change. while i grew up, the gap between us seems to be bigger. but then she always telling me that she expects a lot from me. that she want me to do what she was not able to do in her life.
when i was in grade 6, two unforgettable things happened which i would not narrate. i thnik it is so confidential. so there, i understand my mom for all those tragedies. those were the time just when i look at her i would cry. and her letter for my retreat? it was a 5 pages letter. it was so long that for every time i would read it. i will cry. i would really cry.
at this moment, i am already crying. the things i am narrating has a large impact for me. my mom always told me that whenever i have problems, i would always run to her. she tells me she is my best friend that's why i should trust her. yes, i trust her a lot. but i find it uneasy to tell things to her cause she is very short tempered. once she knew, she will be pissed off. that's why whenever i have major problems. i do not come to her, maybe because i always get used to that she's busy working and im studying. im used to of eating alone at our dining table not talking to anyone about the latest happenings at school. i am used to of talking at the phone with my peers than talking directly to my mom who is just at home.
so here, im telling you. i miss my mom.ofcourse, she will not be able to read this. or i don't know if this post will make her cry. but now, im telling you. i really miss her. i am not the girl who cannot tell her i love her.
maybe the time i really made a mistake to my mom was last year, Sept 2006. hell yeah. she was called by Ms. Vidal because i was a candidate for suspension. by then, i know my mom would be angry. the time i will tell her that she has to go school, she was in her work. i made a lot of apologies but then, she scolded me the calm way. when she knew i was crying she said she felt sad. it was a huge mistake i did. i though my mom would not be able to forgive me anymore. after she went to school and had a talk with ms vidal, and yes. i was suspended. so for me, i really cried a lot. i will never forget that date. october 20. i think it was lunch time. yeah. i really cried so hard that my mom embraced me and told me that "i've learned my lesson well i should not do it again and i will be over it." that embrace was so hard that i felt my mom really loves me. from then on, she did not scold me because i got my suspension. thus, she was really a great mom.
but still. when i was in first year. if you do not know, i was semi-traumatized by my mom for a week. why? she scolded me at Sm Bacoor. with there so many people. i ended up crying and crying and that i went home alone. that was one worse thing my mom did to me. that one whole week, i am so scared to talk to other people. even my mom doesn't talk to me.
i love my mom but i can't tell her. it's not because i cannot tell her because im shy. it is not. last year, december 2006. my dad went home here in the philippines. he planned to take me and my older brohter in malta for there to study. so of course, i don't want! my mom loves me and i love her company even though she was busy. but oppoiste thought happened. my mom thought that it would be better if i will come with my dad. oh, stupid thing. we thought of different things. i was really hurt then because i love my mom but then i felt she doesn't love me because she want me to bw with my dad. for a child like me, it was a decision. because my mom said i will be a lot happier if i was with my dad. but then, my dad posponed his plan. so here i am, still with my mom.
so there. it was already 14 years when i was born. and for those fourteen years, i admit i made many mistakes. i love my mom but then i barely understand some of her negative attitudesi fint it hard to fit in. we're really that opposites.
so as what i am telling. my mom was still my mom. no matter happens she will always be my mom. how about you? have you told your mom you really love her that much? me? i will.
*crying*
Labels: frustrations, sad day
